08 August 2016

Something New

Two tears spilled over.
I meant to keep them hidden,
I meant to keep the walls up around my war-torn heart.
But they dropped and I blushed and I ducked my head
And I clasped my hands together between my knees and prayed that
You wouldn’t notice them.
I am starting something new, He said.
I swallowed hard a few times as countless memories flashed before my eyes—
Pictures I had blocked out, had tried to touch up differently,
Had tried to let go of.
I liked it how it was, I said. Before it hurt so much.
Your voice echoed in my head with all the things we used to say—
All the times we used to laugh without thought to what it might cost someday—
And all the words I—
I didn’t say.
I am starting something new, He said again, like He wanted me to listen,
But I plugged up my ears and let another tear slip down my face, then cursed it.
My heartbeat began to thud in my ears and finally I said, No!
No, God! Bring it back to how it was! I hate this!
My loneliness hurt like a thousand bullet wounds in my chest.
With my selfishness the gun and my pride the hand that wielded it,
I shot and I shot and I shot and I shot and I wanted to forget what it meant to live,
Because the life I have lived has been too good, so it hurts to grow up,
It has always hurt to grow up.
I am starting something new.
I had to listen now, for all around me was silence, empty air,
And those words, once whispered, seemed thunderous, bouncing off the sides of the valley.
I sucked in a breath to fill my empty lungs and felt the pressure,
Not of death, but of practiced hands, gently but firmly tying bandages,
Applying stinging salve,
Undoing the crude measures I had taken to try to preserve myself—
Pierced hands, covered in blood, covered in every ounce of love I never had.
I am starting something new, He said. Are you ready?
I shook my head no and He smiled tenderly, feeling every ache more keenly than even I did.
The tears fell freely then, and He caught them and cherished them.
Do not cry, my beloved, He said as He lifted me up and stood me on my feet,
The altar is not about death,
It’s about life.
I am starting something new,
And behold, it will be more marvelous than anything your eyes have seen,
Because when a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies,
It brings forth life abundant.


  1. "It has always hurt to grow up." <--- I got ran over right there, because this is what I'm facing right now, since the new school year is coming up and literally half of my friends moved away. I'm torn, be right back while I lay on the middle of the road.

    xoxo Morning

    1. Thanks for your comment! I'm not sure if I should be pleased or not that you are "ran over". ;-P Keep pressing into Jesus, girl. He is more than enough to satisfy. 1 John 3:16 :-)

  2. This is so great. Sad but a really lovely piece of writing

    1. Thanks, Vanessa! I pray that the sadness only illuminates the hope at the end. :-)

  3. you know i know. and God is good so that's what I'm trusting. love you with a love louder than the summer thunder rumbling with the clouds.

    1. Yes, amen. That's what I'm trusting too. :-) Love you too... and miss you so much.

  4. ahh I love this so much! definitely something I can relate to on many levels, both with things that I have been carried through, and as a reassurance that I will be carried through new things coming soon... thank you. (the picture is adorable by the way ;) )

    1. Thanks, Andrea! Your comments are always so sweet. :-) I really appreciate it. God is good and He is faithful to be your supply and your shield through everything. Lean on Him! :-) And thanks, I like the picture too. ;-)

  5. okay okay okay okay wait did you just write this for me or something? honestly I think God used you to bring this post into my life AT THIS TIME. woahhh. because this is so so perfectly timed. like this very day even. whaat. our God is so good. so i thank you for writing this <3

    i really feel this on so many levels...but oh man, what you said about laying everything down at the altar and how that isn't death but rather life. THANK YOU. I'm bookmarking this post and reading it every day now. wow. this is real, honest mind-blowing me now.

    1. Autumn, woah. So this is a poem I really didn't want to post. I mean, I wanted to write a poem to post on my blog but after I wrote it I was really hesitant because it's pretty personal and kind of raw, but for some reason I felt like God wanted me to post it. So maybe this is why. But man, stories like this make me so excited because dude, God is at work. I can't wrap my mind around how awesome that is that He uses experiences in my life to form poems that impact the lives of people I don't even know. Mind = blown. So thank you for sharing and testifying to the grace and goodness of the Lord. It's truly precious to me. And keep pressing into Jesus. He is your support, your hope, and your joy. Zephaniah 3:17 :-)

  6. This is beautiful! Well done! I feel that God is starting something new in my life too, and I have to keep moving and hold on.

    Thank you for this message! Your writing is always so amazing! :)

    Allie D.

    1. Thank you so much, Allie! Agh, that means so much. God is so good.

  7. Oh my goodness. This is...I have no words. I feel like you wrote this for me...I can relate to it so much. I'm going through a lot of change and stress right now and this beautiful poem was exactly what I needed to pick me up and give me hope. Thank you so much and God bless.


    1. It's all God. Seriously. I'm floored by how He works through my broken words that really don't deserve to be called a poem. :-) But He is faithful. And just the way He interconnects the struggles that we are going through in such a way that a poem that I write touches you--adknakgnnowoerw God is good. Thank you for sharing. Again, like I told Autumn, it's a testimony to God's goodness. He is truly amazing. Micah 7:7-8 :-)

  8. Wow, so pretty, Hannah. You have such a gift for words.

    Anyway, I completely relate to this one, because WOW, YOU SPEAK THE TRUTH.

    :)love ya

    1. Thank ya Treskie! <3 And it's not me speaking truth--it's all God, man. He is so good.

      Love ya too!

  9. What Autumn said :). Thanks for sharing. This is wonderful.

  10. God started something in my life a year ago, still trying to figure it out! He knows I don't! many hugs and loves Hannah! xo

    1. Oh yes, the trying to figure out can sometimes be the worst of it! But I must learn that trust in that He knows and that I don't and that it's okay that I don't! Love you, Marice!

  11. I've been hiding from the blogginess, because I never thought that I'd feel another honest word that I could write on here. But I didn't have to. You did.

    God is good. And right now it's like being thrown under a bus because it hurts so much. But that's goodness. I trust that's goodness. I trust that while I was staring at the ceiling, wishing for the old days, He was working. Like He's still working.

    I love you, Hannah Joy. And I'm still sorry. And I'm still here. Always will be. xx

    1. Pff. I think I was a little too honest. That's why I didn't want to post this, but then God happened and so I had to. ;-) I'm not very good at being very honest in the sense of being vulnerable enough to say what I feel (or perhaps I am too often trying to fix myself up before presenting myself to anyone). So there's that. Words are just words and most of my really honest ones are tucked away in my poetry folder to be read by me and God only. Yet this one slipped out for God's reasons.

      And yeah.... it does feel like being thrown under a bus. Yupppers. I get that. But as my dad would say, "It only hurts until the pain goes away." ;-) But seriously. These bones He has broken only to bind them up and heal them stronger than before. That's a promise because the plans He has are good.

      He is still working. Amen and amen. I just gotta remember that.

      And I love you, Addy T. Though I'm not very good at it and I need a whole lot of His love to back it up. And I'm sorry. More sorry than I can ever say. And I'm still here.....mostly. Except for the times I run away still. ;-P

      Love you. <3 <3 <3 Psalm 27


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