Something New

Two tears spilled over.

I meant to keep them hidden,

I meant to keep the walls up around my war-torn heart.

But they dropped and I blushed and I ducked my head

And I clasped my hands together between my knees and prayed that

You wouldn’t notice them.

I am starting something new, He said.

I swallowed hard a few times as countless memories flashed before my eyes—

Pictures I had blocked out, had tried to touch up differently,

Had tried to let go of.

I liked it how it was, I said. Before it hurt so much.

Your voice echoed in my head with all the things we used to say—

All the times we used to laugh without thought to what it might cost someday—

And all the words I—

I didn’t say.

I am starting something new, He said again, like He wanted me to listen,

But I plugged up my ears and let another tear slip down my face, then cursed it.

My heartbeat began to thud in my ears and finally I said, No!

No, God! Bring it back to how it was! I hate this!

My loneliness hurt like a thousand bullet wounds in my chest.

With my selfishness the gun and my pride the hand that wielded it,

I shot and I shot and I shot and I shot and I wanted to forget what it meant to live,

Because the life I have lived has been too good, so it hurts to grow up,

It has always hurt to grow up.

I am starting something new.

I had to listen now, for all around me was silence, empty air,

And those words, once whispered, seemed thunderous, bouncing off the sides of the valley.

I sucked in a breath to fill my empty lungs and felt the pressure,

Not of death, but of practiced hands, gently but firmly tying bandages,

Applying stinging salve,

Undoing the crude measures I had taken to try to preserve myself—

Pierced hands, covered in blood, covered in every ounce of love I never had.

I am starting something new, He said. Are you ready?

I shook my head no and He smiled tenderly, feeling every ache more keenly than even I did.

The tears fell freely then, and He caught them and cherished them.

Do not cry, my beloved, He said as He lifted me up and stood me on my feet,

The altar is not about death,

It’s about life.

I am starting something new,

And behold, it will be more marvelous than anything your eyes have seen,

Because when a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies,

It brings forth life abundant.