10:00ish

via

It’s late and the city looks different.

Of course it does—our neon signs and traffic lights

Are nothing compared to the ball of fire in the sky.

Still, the brake lights spill like blood over the highway,

And it gets me thinking about grace,

About all the dreams that died on the way,

About all the stupid mistakes and mess ups—

I should focus on my driving.

I want to feel sad. I want to mourn again.

Or something, God, let something break through the hollow echo of my heartbeat

Thudding at a steady pace,

A dull rhythm to life

Moving

Forward.

Everything’s changing—

Does it ever stay steady?
Is it just when I look up that I realize with what speed I am hurtling through time

And the dizziness makes me sick and I—

I pull the wheel to stay in my lane.

I always dream that the light turns red

And I slam on my brakes, but feel no pressure under my foot,

And I lean back, as if I could pull a semi with my mortal strength,

And I hurtle into the intersection.

You can’t actually stop.

Every minute ticking by is me getting older,

Each motion is another step forward,

And each breath is another intake of grace.

So I stop fighting, and take a moment to let the wind rush through my hair,

And let the spatter of rain on my windshield be the only noise.

It’s as if, I think to myself in defeat,

It’s as if I’d forgotten how to pray.

            No!

I grip the wheel, I dig my nails into the rubber,

“God!” I say, and the Spirit groans the rest:

You

            Have

                        Never

                                    Abandoned

                                                            Me.

I want to cry, but I don’t need to—

I don’t need to feel it because I already know it.

I know it.

For let me tell you about my God.

When He hung on the cross, I don’t know what His emotions were doing,

But I know what He felt—

He felt a torn back, pierced hands and feet,

Thorns slicing into His forehead.

He felt the mockery, the jeers, the life slowly ebbing from His lungs

While every pore was screaming, “I love you, I love you, I love you!”

Soul, love Him back.

The best way to defeat darkness is turning on the light.