The other day, I grabbed my camera and set out to wrestle God in prayer and to see if I could scrape some pictures together. I don't know. The camera was my afterthought--though I don't think it was God's afterthought. For as I stepped out the door and trudged down the street, gravel crackling like a radio with static, I was heavy with the weight of hefty decisions, life as an adult, and feeling like a thorough failure.
I began, as I do so often lately, it seems, with not knowing what to say, yet feeling the Holy Spirit's groaning within me, longing to pour out in words, yet unable to form them--whether because they hurt to speak or maybe even because they didn't hurt--and I wanted them to.
It was about halfway down the street that I saw my first lilacs.
After I had taken my fill of these particular lilacs, I continued to the edge of the street, looked left and right, and turned left, because the road was lined with more lilacs. Follow the lilacs, I whispered to myself.
Because I was drowning, man. And I was scared. I was scared that if I prayed, God would answer with another no, a trial, a test to see how much I trusted Him. Oh, weary heart. How you deceive yourself.
When did I forget that God gives good gifts, in abundance? Just as He plants a thousand lilac bushes to line my way back to Him--it's almost as if I can see Him laughing and beckoning me to follow as purple and white and pink flowers burst into bloom behind Him.
The love of God is so overwhelming, so fathomless, so beautiful--I can't wrap my mind around it. My heart aches with the fullness of it. Because I had been trying to bear all of it myself--trying to be somehow good enough, to somehow fit everything I deemed spiritual into one day, trying to fabricate piety in my own strength.
Come, and let us flee to Jesus and hide ourselves in Him until we are clothed with His humility. That alone is our holiness. --Andrew Murray
It's not about what we do. It's about who He is. Always, always, always. Let not my mind be corrupted from this simplicity! For every good thing flows from Him--it cannot be formed within myself. Every good work, every good word, every good thought flows from a heart that is so obsessed with Jesus that it cannot beat for anything else.
Flee to Jesus. Hide in Him. He is enough. He is always enough.
(I literally took like 100 pictures of lilacs. And then I accidentally deleted like half of them. But I figured that I probably had enough anyway.)
WE SAY YES. (cally and i are sitting here loving every word.) You were right. And I needed that. Jesus is our holiness, our Shepherd. JEHOVAH JIREH. The Lord Provides. When I must kill my own, the flesh of my flesh, still He is the Lord that provides. And even if I must go ahead with the knife...even if I must kill my Isaac, the Lord would still be JEHOVAH JIREH. I am dirty, dirty, dirty. He is clean, clean, clean. I must be overwhelmed, to see.
ReplyDeleteamen. xx
YAYYY. <3s Love you both. So so much. He is SO enough. SO SO ENOUGH.
DeleteAnd ya know, sometimes you're not seeing Him because you're up too close, because He's holding you tight. So yeah. Be overwhelmed by Him. Go out and follow the lilacs. :-)
This is really beautiful and encouraging :).
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily! :-)
DeleteOh HANNAH. I ain't got no words fo' this! Your words are so beautiful. God is so good.
ReplyDeleteMAGGIE! Thank you so much. <3s
DeleteOh my gosh, you have liliacs where you're at, which is abseloutely marvelous. Lately, I've been learning a lot about God, and indeed, He does give us so many gifts in life to the point that it's overwhelming, and for sometime, I feel as if, "Whoa, I'm insignifcant." But somehow I'm still significant, because He made me, and then I feel like crying because I don't know if I am worthy of His love. But all I know today is that He is good.
ReplyDeletexoxo Morning
I LOVE LILACS HOW DO YOU SURVIVE WITHOUT THEM I AM SO SORRY *sends you a bouquet of them*
DeleteAnd yeah. Man, He is so good. And the fact that He cares so deeply about us--deeply enough to send His Son to die for us??!?!?! That blows my mind. Keep pressing into Him, Morning. :-)
Oh wow, I love when I come to the realization and have the reminder of how GOOD God is, even when sometimes I forget or choose to deny it.
ReplyDeleteGod, I'm learning, is SO good, even when sometimes I don't feel like life is good. Thank you for sharing this because it is so encouraging to me <3
YESSSS. Me too. Agh. He is so amazing. Thanks for the kind words, Lauren! Grasp your Savior and don't let Him go.
DeleteThese are such gorgeous photos!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Arushee!
DeleteEvery single time I read any of your posts, I honestly feel closer to God, Hannah. Thank you so much. :') This is something I have to remember too.
ReplyDeleteEmbers, that means so much! Praise God! If all my words do is draw people to God, it is totally mission accomplished. Thank you for your comment!
Delete