Rambling

It has been a long week. Not necessarily all the way in a bad way. I mean, I'll admit it, my fabulously awesomest best friend aka my sister moved out and that has taken its toll on my emotions. I keep thinking I hear her in the night (we shared a room for forever), breathing or moving, but then it's just like...earrings blowing off of the windowsill. 

Why I have a pile of earrings on the windowsill is debatable. 

Other than that, learning Chinese, man. It's hard. Like, I am terrible at learning languages. Half the time I am thinking to myself, Why on earth do I think that I can EVER learn this language? And the other half of the time I'm sweating over my accent marks and wishing that I knew how to read/write the language other than in pinyin (English characters. Well, barely English with all of the accent marks. I'm going insane.) But then I just have to go back to the reason WHY I am learning Chinese.... Because I'm going to China to work in an orphanage. Don't ask for details, I don't have them. But I know I'm going because God told me so. 

So yeah, then there's that. I'm like, I REALLY REALLY want to go to China, NOW, God! So I'm always not-so-subtly hinting at God that I, like Tintin, I'm looking for answers. I do this not-so-subtle hinting as I drive by the glorious sunset, and......yeah, God. I get the drift.

I need to slow down. 

And I get that. I know that. So I take the next turn a little slower, take a deep breath, and begin to say Psalm 139, slowly and gently. Because God is good. God is really, really, really good. And He knows exactly why I need to wait. So He gently, but firmly closes doors. And then He patiently listens while I try my hardest to work things through on my own until finally, finally I do the thing I should have done all along--call on Him. 

He doesn't always give the answers that I want, but He always gives an answer. And that is very encouraging because it means He's always listening. Even if it's just an, "Okay, Hannah. I hear you. Now take a deep breath and slowwwwwww down. Do not worry about your life." 

Worry's a bit of an addiction for me, sometimes. Seriously. It's like, I almost want to do it because at least I have control of part of the situation, right? It's so silly. 

*deep breath in, then lets it out slowly*

Wow. You know one thing I was thinking? I was thinking how the sky is not just pretty at night. And how the trees are not just pretty in the summer or even the autumn. God speaks poetry through every season, every change in lighting, in time, in life. Just as there is beauty in childhood all the way up through all stages of adulthood. I want to have a heightened sensitivity to this beauty. 

And more than that, I want to see the completion of beauty in my Savior face-to-face. How incredible will that be? Wow. I can't wait. 

Whew. That felt really good. You guys should try ranting sometime. I'd love to read it in the comments, if you so desire. :-) 

Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears us up; God is our salvation. Our God is a God of salvation, and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death.

Psalm 68:19-20

Oh, Breathless Autumn

It's here. The wind is turning to ice and the leaves are turning to gold and red for one last burst of glory before they fall. The air smells like ripe apples, crunchy leaves, and coolness. It's autumn.

I love each season for its personality, and the way it arrives just in time. Autumn is no different. She is gentle and shy, takes a while to open up, and doesn't stay for very long around here. But hers is a breathless beauty, as she slowly but steadily lights the forests on fire, a blaze of color before the barrenness of winter. As Autumn comes, you can't help but walk a little slower, admire the scenery, as you try to feel the depth of the essence of the wind as it tries to braid your hair. 

For me, Autumn has come in good time. The heat of the busyness of summer left me with the need to rest, to heal a bit. Autumn whispers that it is time, and I agree. It is time to sit back. It is time to process, to reflect. It is time, in some ways, to let go. And it is time, in other ways, to hold on. 

It is time to take long walks. To pray. 

I took once such walk the other day, and on that walk I realized something quite incredible. I was thinking about how often I felt like I wished that I could go back to when I was first saved, and that week or so of bliss in the joy of the Lord. But that day, I did not. That day, I realized the sweetness of the trials. How it only furthered my relationship with God, because I realized that I know Him so much better--and know how much more there is to know about Him. It was like I was standing on the top of a mountain and looking over the valley where I had once thought myself lost in, and seeing how every step of the way was a step toward God. And I realized just how grateful I was that I am not back at the first moment of salvation, for this joy that I have now is richer, deeper. Harder-won.

And I realized something else. I had prayed for a long time for me to understand the concept of praying without ceasing. Because at that point, I could not fathom it. I was struggling so much because to think of God, I had to set time apart out of the day--which is not a bad thing, but not something I felt that I could do constantly. 

Yet now--now the awareness of God is constant. God is always there. And I was realizing that. Every thought that passes through my head, everything that I see relates in some way to God, causing me to learn more and more each day. 

That is so incredible. It brought some crazy new meanings to when God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you." 

So Autumn is a good thing. That chance to step back and see the great work that God has been doing, for during the summer my head is often pressed down to the ground as I plow through the busyness. 

So thank God for Autumn. Thank God for rest, for quiet days, for auburn leaves that know that death is not the end, so they proclaim the glory of God, the power of the resurrection. 

Autumn always seems to remind me that this is not the end of the story, but the beginning. 

Amen, Autumn. So be it. 

Touching Hope

So lately, it's been a saga of hope.

After a rough year of learning trust (have you ever had a year focused on that?) and weathering disappointments and discouragements and yet still somehow holding onto the knowledge of God is Faithful...

There was hope.

My sister told me one night that there was one thing she regretted about her years of waiting, and that was that she hadn't cherished them.

Cherished the waiting? Cherished the times where my heart broke over disappointments and I wept for the pain of the silence of God? Cherished the times where I couldn't see for the darkness? How could I cherish that?

I could not accept that challenge of cherishing the waiting, for all I could do was look forward and see that dim light of hope that I could not attain, wishing to be immersed in that light.

What I failed to realize was that hope and trust go hand-in-hand. They are not enemies, but good friends that complement each other perfectly. It is not, "I cannot attain hope and will not attain it for I am learning trust this year," but rather, "I trust that my God is faithful, and I rejoice in the hope of that."

How was I supposed to learn that when I had both of my hands given to Sorrow and Suffering? It seemed impossible and yet with God, nothing is impossible.

Learning hope was not letting go of the hands of Sorrow and Suffering, but rather gripping them firmly and determinedly, eyes locked on the Shepherd of my soul, knowing that every moment of waiting was purposeful and meaningful and that each day was full of sanctification and growth.

Hope is not only a bright feeling you get when you see something worth running for. Hope is seeped in the running. Hope is the planting of seeds, the watering, the sowing, the weeding, the muddy knees and blistered hands and sweaty brow, as well as being the tree bending over with the weight of its fruit. It is both sides of the coin. Hope is something we see in the distance, yet seem to overlook when it is right beside us.

Hope is not looking past the silence of God to the time when He will speak again, but instead it is resting in that silence and flourishing under it, knowing full well that the Gardener is at work within us and that His work is a good work.

See? Trust and hope. You can't separate them. Trust without hope is like knowledge from a dull textbook. Hope without trust is never being satisfied or contented.

And that, that is how we cherish the waiting. In the little things. In the hysterical laughter as I try to learn the slight differences in the varied accent marks as I endeavor to learn Mandarin Chinese. In the bursting of joy when I get a job I applied for, knowing that the lack of hours only means that God has more planned for my life. In waking up early and marveling at how the ruddy orange color trickles through the cracks of the curtains. In tasting and seeing that the Lord is good.

Vacation Was...

So I just got back from Work Camp, which explains yet another absence from me. Should be the last one for a bit, but you never know.

And though right now it is Work Camp that is running through my head, I did promise a vacation post.

So vacation was...

A little cabin called the Ho-Hum...

Wild blackberries...

A final heave of summer... 

The lake. Every day. And little cousins...

Wet towels...

And man, God's breathtaking creation.

I think that was a good way to cap off the Summer. 

Is anyone else ready for Fall?

So I'm going to be gone...

Dropping by to say...

So yes, I'm going to be gone. I planned to write one last post before I leave for a ten day vacation, but then Writer's Block attacked and I was nearly killed in our epic duel.

If you're curious, I wounded him, but sadly, he escaped with his life and an elixir of healing.

Thus, you get a really lame post telling you that I will be gone and will not be blogging or writing comments on other blogs for a little while.

Try not to miss me too much. I shall endeavor to write something worth sharing while relaxing in the cabin by the lake.

It may or may not happen.

Oh, and if you see WB running by with an elixir, shoot him dead and take the elixir and return it to me post haste.

So long!

Yours,
Hannah Joy

So Lately...

I'll admit it, I was like, "I need to post today. What should I post?" And this was the easy route. To do a "Lately" post. It is, as most everything is, inspired by Cally Declan, because she is awesome and she generally doesn't mind if I steal her ideas. XD

So Lately...

Life has actually been kind of crazily slow. After a breakneck-speed summer, I feel like I've come to a sudden halt, yet my mind is still in high gear, so I'm feeling a bit like a car in neutral that keeps getting its engine revved.

I have been...

Reading...

The Bronze Bow by Elizabeth George Speare. I have read it multiple times but it is still just as glorious as ever. Man, it is so powerful. I'm thankful that I dropped my "I need to read new things because my reading list is too long to allow rereads" and just did it. So worth it.

Plenty for Everyone by Corrie ten Boom. I made it my goal to be reading one fiction and one nonfiction at a time, and so I read this along with my devotionals. I've only just started, but I love it already.

The Broken Warrior by Cally Declan. Because I am special and I get to. I haven't restarted it yet, but I think I am going to print it off chapter by chapter. And it will be epic, I know, because I love all of the characters with a fierce and loyal love.

Writing...

I've taken a bit of a hiatus from my Steampunk novel and retaken up my fantasy novel, and I am loving the change of scene. I've needed some time to stew on my Steampunk ideas for a while, and while I was writing that one, I was stewing on ideas for my fantasy one, so it all kind of works out.

I have also been writing some poetry, of course. And trying to cough out some lyrics but it's hard when you don't know exactly where you want to go with it...

Listening to...

Mostly Indelible Grace. They do hymns and they do them so wonderfully. I'm particularly in love with this one and this one. I was listening to an Indelible Grace mix this summer while I was pumping up air mattresses to see if they had holes, then washing them, then letting the air out of them. And so "Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah" came on when I was laying on a quickly deflating air mattress (because the pressure of my weight on it makes the process go much faster), and my heart just heaved with the beauty of the words. It's been kind of an answer to prayer, in a way, since this whole year I have been praying for guidance and purpose and for God to show me the next step. Yet the answer has been less of a "Here is your next step and your five year plan and the exact steps that you will take," and more a of a realization of the promise that the lyrics of that song express quite well:

I am weak, but Thou art mighty

Hold me with Thy powerful hand

Bread of Heaven

Feed me now and evermore.

For my goal is not to do the good work of the Lord. My goal is to win Christ and to spurn all earthly gain. All else will fall into place.

Loving...

Quiet mornings with God as summer heaves its final, most glorious breath, before autumn chills the air and turns the leaves to fire and gold. 

Hellos, because goodbyes are too hard for me, but hellos are just right.

Long emails that you don't expect. 

Sisters here and sisters in far-off places.

Piano music. There's something about it that makes me want to get lost in it. 

That God is our Shepherd, that we are His sheep, and that we know well His voice.

And that's all for this time, kids! See you on Monday for Keilah being Keilah... 

PFYTF: Opposites

Penny For Your Thoughts Friday: May 29 Edition!

My sister, the amazing Jess: "I just love making my bed. It makes it look so nice."

In the same moment, me, sitting at my computer: *loudly sucks honey off spoon and throws it into sink*

I think we're opposites.

And yet we're still best friends.

P.S. Sorry for the lack of posts. I have been super busy! I will definitely be back on Monday, though, with the next Monday Madness. Maybe before, you never know. But I thought an apology was in order. *hands you consolation donuts*

Floors and Prayer

From Pinterest

Have you ever washed the floor? Not with a mop, I mean down on your knees, scrubbing one patch at a time.

Scrub, scrub, scrub, polish, scoot back. And repeat.

When you first see the floor, there’s a moment of internal panic because this floor is big and your rag is small.

But you kneel down, you take a deep breath, and you scrub hard.

It’s funny how much that sounds like prayer.

Prayer is sometimes a tricky thing for me. A lot of times it’s a, “Oh, man, it’s bedtime and I need to pray” type-thing, without really feeling the spirit moving within me, just feeling the urgent desire to sleep.

Kind of like scrubbing hard a floor that looks like it'll never be finished.

But that floor was finished.

That thought explodes in my mind, moving me with the utter awe of this--

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6)

I mean, how powerful is that?

It's like scooting back as you wash your floor. It gives you perspective. All of the sudden you see a little strip of clean floor where there was once dirty floor--you see the renewal and transformation of your mind and spirit as you are sanctified and grow closer to God.

Can we just take a moment to say, "Wow!"? Because seriously, guys.

That is amazing.

May we always pray with the hope of scrubbed floors set thick in our minds. 

Fellowship

I'm going to surprise the bloggy world and tell everyone right off the bat that this post is not about LOTR.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I also have to get something else out before I forget. Not that I actually would forget because Treskie is the Besttttt and I love her, but SHE HOLDETH A GIVEAWAY. GO LOOK SEE. The problem here is that telling you guys about this on my blog is sort of a double agent thing because I get another extra entry, but at the same time, I make my chances slimmer because all you guys know about it now and will enter. -_- ;-)

Okay. Now I'm going to slip my headphones on, turn Josh Garrel's new album, Home, up loud, and get going on this post.

Last night was my last night of Bible Study before I leave to go work at camp for the summer. Bittersweet is a good word, because I'm stoked for camp, but over the course of the four weeks I went to Bible Study, something lovely was built.

How incredible it is to simply be in the presence of a group of young people who are on fire for God, dedicating themselves to studying the Bible and to dig deeper than "mainstream Christianity" would have them.

I'm going to admit right now, it was hard for the first two weeks. Being so painfully shy, I would come home fighting tears because I was so frustrated with being a wallflower, not being able to participate in discussion because I felt like my thoughts weren't good enough or just because I was too embarrassed to talk at all. So I prayed. I prayed hard, man. I was like, "God, please change me into an extrovert." Because extroverts are the cool ones, right? They're the ones that just make you feel accepted and loved because they are good at talking and sharing their lives and all that good stuff.

You want to know what God's answer was constantly?

I love you.

Okay, thanks God, but as for what we were actually discussing....how does next Tuesday sound for you on the whole total-Hannah-makeover?

I feel like you guys can all freely quote Eilonwy here: "Are you slow-witted? I'm sorry. It must be terrible to be dull and stupid." ;-)

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

and are well-acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord,

you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful to me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, "Surely darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,"

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is as bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed me in my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

 -Psalm 139:1-16

 

My God did not slip when He was forming me, nor did He make a mistake when He designed my personality. And He loves me.

 

So I take a deep breath, and I go into Bible Study as all of my introverted, shy, frightened self.

 

One of the lovely young ladies was there, despite the fact that I was pretty early. It was guacamole night, so I dumped my avocados on the counter, and she, beautifully a natural leader, got me to work.

 

Task number 1: find a juicer. We found one, an old one that looked like it had been invented in the 1800s and not used at all for at least ten years, but we were going to just go with it. So we cut our limes and I began to juice them.

 

It was laughable, really. The juicer was a little too big for our little limes, and it was so not user friendly. I had to hold it in my left hand while grinding the lime with my right hand, trying to keep the little contraption steadily over the measuring cup that I was juicing into. We experimented with a few things to try to make it easier--squash the limes hard before cutting them, warming them up in the microwave for a bit--but it ended up being a whole lot of limes flying out of my hands and skittering over the floor, a whole lot of lime juice on my hands and on the counter, not very much lime in the measuring cup itself,

 

and a whole lot of laughter.

 

Fellowshipping over cooking (or any sort of service) is the best ever. There is kinship in every moment of failure and triumph, there is deep love in rolled up sleeves and standing side-by-side, chopping garlic and squeezing limes.

 

And when that cilantro smell seeps through every corner of the church kitchen, bonding happens real quick.

 

This is the image of the Wedding Feast, as close as we can get on this war-torn earth.

 

Wondering where I might begin
I hear a voice upon the wind
She's singing faint but singing true
"Son, there ain't nothing you can do
But listen close and follow me
I'll take you where you’re meant to be
Just don't lose faith."

So I put my hand upon the plow
Wipe the sweat up from my brow
Plant the good seed along the way
As I look forward to the day
When at last I'll see
My father run to me
singing, “Oh, my child."

Come on home
Home to me
And I will hold you in my arms
And joyful be

There will always, always be
A place for you
At my table
Return to me

-from "At the Table" by Josh Garrels

 

And behold, this is very good. May I never lose heart, knowing that God is with me, whether I be sitting behind the computer or overcoming fears at a Bible study. He is my stronghold, the shield of my help, the sword of my triumph.

A Life Post

I almost feel the need to apologize for a post like this. People are all like, "Pfffft you think your life is so important you dork." Well, two disclaimers. 1) It is my blog and you're the one who's here reading it, so if you don't want to read it you really don't have to, and 2) I don't actually think my life is important, but sometimes you just gotta...like say stuff that is sort of meaningless but also sort of important to you. Maybe. XD

Enough disclaimers. If you're still here, hey-o!

I'm gonna do a Currently.... type post. I think I've seen them on blogs but you never know, I might have made it up. ;-) This might be recurring or might not. *shrugs* It's alright.

So, currently....

Reading...

The Molehill Vol. 3 published by Rabbit Room Press. It's amazing, guys. It's so good. It's a collection of short stories, poetry, essays, art, and recipes by a collaboration of excellent authors/artists/chefs. It's been, like, EXACTLY what I've needed to read lately, especially all the thoughts on writing.

From "Something New" by Jen Rose Yokel and illustrated by Jonny Jimison

Listening to...

Other than customers ordering ice cream?

I kid, I kid. I'm currently quite obsessed (and I shall accredit this obsession to Jordy, since she was the one who introduced them to me) with Sleeping At Last's album, Atlas: Year One. The whole album (or collection of EPs as it happens) is simply excellent.

If you're still not convinced...

Maybe your light is the seed

And the darkness the dirt

In spite of the uneven odds

Beauty lifts from the earth

 

You're much to young now

So I write these words down

'Darkness exists to make light truly count.'

-From "Uneven Odds"

 

Writing...

 

Not as much as I should be. I'm trying to plug away at my Camp NaNo Steampunk book (though I'm failing miserably at meeting my word count goal), and it's actually going well. It doesn't look like it, because stats are stats. My word count is not high right now, but the story is really unfolding and the characters are amazing and I'm actually loving my MC, who I thought I would hate. So, exciting, but a lot of work. *grins weakly*

 

You got that right.




 

Studying....

 

Welp, my Bible Study at church just finished going through the life of Moses, which was intriguing, even if I came near the end of the study (I've only been going for a few weeks). It's so amazing to get together with a group of passionate young people and discuss the Bible, especially 'cause they're all so much smarter than I am and have such epic things to say. One thing that's been sticking to my mind is the unchangingness (I realize it's not a word) of God. He is the same God in the Old Testament as He is in the New. And He is good and just and loving and agh it just blows my mind, always.

 

One of my favorite verses that we were recently looking into is Deuteronomy 33:29:

 

Happy are you, O Israel! Who is like you,

a people saved by the Lord,

the shield of your help,

and the sword of your triumph!

Your enemies shall come fawning to you,

and you shall tread upon their backs.

 

Praise God that He is not only our shield but our sword. Wow, that's just so incredible.

 

Feeling....

 

Hungry.

 

What are your "Currentlys"?

 

Adios for now.